Wine

Suppose for a moment that spoiled milk contained about thirteen percent alcohol. Your friends would discourse knowledgeably about the subtle but delightful differences between Pinzgauer, Reggiana, and Meuse-Rhine-Yssel; some would advocate the fresh boldness of domestics such as Ayrshire, Holstein, and Milking Devon; they could explain the advantages of pasturage on southwest-facing slopes and describe the delicate flavor elements of curds and whey. On a more practical level, wine would be cheaper and wine stains would wash out of your shirt, dress, tablecloth, carpet, and all the other places that you wonder how the hell you spilled wine down there. And South Dakota would be the wine capital of the world.

But Nature is cruel. Spoiled milk contains only a trace of alcohol. You have to spoil grape juice to get thirteen percent. So, although the taste of one is as easy to get used to as the taste of the other, we have to put up with stains and expense and the industry being run by Northern California.

In the last 25 years or so wine has become popular in this country, and knowledge of wine a mark of sophistication and distinction. Lawyers like the idea of being sophisticated and distinguished, especially since the reality so often disappoints.

Can this article teach you enough to make you sophisticated and distinguished? No article can do that. But it can do even better: it can teach you enough to fake it. Most people don’t really know anything about wine, so you only need to know enough to convince them that they’re the ones who are confused.

Wine names

One of the most confusing things is wine names. There are basically two ways to name wines: after the type of grapes they’re made out of (‘varietal’ wines) and after the places where they come from. American wines have traditionally used the grape name; French wines have used the place name; but both can use either or both. Nowadays the French sometimes put the grape name on the bottle along with the place name, mostly to emphasize to themselves how superior they are to the ignorant Americans.

An example of varietal wine is Chardonnay. It is made from Chardonnay grapes. Well, actually, it’s mostly made from Chardonnay grapes; it can also have other grapes blended in. Wherever its from, its still called Chardonnay. Except if its from Chardonnay, which is in a region of France where they don’t make Chardonnay. The important thing to remember is that that’s irrelevant, and the fact that its called Chardonnay is your clue that it doesn’t come from there.

That much is simple; place names can be a bit complicated. Much Champagne is made from Chardonnay grapes but it isn’t called Chardonnay because Europeans name wines for where the grapes grew. Champagne is a French place; Burgundy is another. Chianti is a place in Italy. Those wines come from those places. That is, they do if they do come from those places; if they don’t then they don’t. Some wines from California and elsewhere are now named after the places in Europe where they’re not from, including Champagne, Burgundy, and even Chianti.

French and European Union law controls which grapes can be grown where. So the place name also identifies the type of grape if your knowledge of international law is good and if you know which types of wine are made with which types of grape. The place is also important because people who want us to think such things claim that the same grape grown in different places tastes different. The taste of the particular spot where the grapes grew is called the terroir, a word you should throw in occasionally to remind your friends how sophisticated and/or distinguished you are.

Wine color

One thing that isn’t confusing is wine color. Red wines are various shades of red; white wines are various shades of clear. Red wines are made from grapes called ‘black” grapes. The shade of red depends on how long the crushed grape skins were left in the juice and, sometimes, on the wine’s age. White wines are made from white grapes, except for the ones that are made from black grapes. Rosé wines are pink and are made from black grapes and are sometimes called white (e.g., White Zinfandel), except for pink Champagne, which is not rosé and which is made from white and black grapes. This covers all wines everywhere — except the ones that are not red, white, or rosé, like Port. Got it?

Ordering wine

Many people hesitate to order a bottle of wine in a restaurant. They shouldn’t; this is the easy part.

If someone else in your party knows about wine then you graciously give him or her the honor of selecting and ordering. If you’re in a restaurant fancy enough to have a sommelier — i.e., a wine steward — then a sophisticated thing to do is to ask for a recommendation; that also makes the sommelier happy, so it might even get you better service. If nobody in the vicinity knows any more about wine than you do, though, the coast is clear to order it yourself.

Order red wine with red meat, white with fish. This rule isn’t necessarily right but your friends have heard it so if you don’t follow it they may suspect you of being as ignorant as you really are. (The wine list will tell you which are red and which white, so that you won’t have to ask, the management won’t have to tell you, and your “server” won’t have to learn.) This means that everyone has to order the same type of meal. If anyone threatens to break ranks, you shame them back into line by implying that selfishly eating what they want would spoil everyone else’s dinner.

Next, decide which specific red or white wine to buy. How? By price. Don’t order the cheapest or the most expensive, so that you won’t look either cheap or pretentious. Don’t order the next-to-cheapest, either; restaurants know that trick and jack up the price on that one. Pick one of the others that you can almost afford.

If some nosy type asks what wine you ordered, say that it’s a nice wine and you hope they’ll like it but that they should wait and tell you what they think after they’ve tasted it. After it comes you can read the label to them. If you can’t pronounce it, hand them the bottle; do this gingerly, as if the bottle were fragile and you were honoring them by allowing them to touch it.

When the wine comes, the routine is pretty simple. First, look at the bottle. In theory, you’re checking to make sure it’s the wine you wanted. In practice, just look at the label and nod your head. The waiter will open the bottle and hand you the cork. Look at it, squeeze it, roll it in your hands a bit, and sniff it. Don’t worry about what it should be like; your chances of getting a bad cork are about the same as winning the Powerball. If there is a sommelier, he or she knows that most of the cork-sniffers are pretentious fakes. But knowing how to fiddle with the cork helps sell the act to your friends.

Now you’re approaching the part where you’ll have to taste the wine. Don’t get nervous just because you don’t know what its supposed to taste like. Just remember: the key is not what the wine tastes like; the key is what you look like tasting the wine.

The waiter will pour a small amount into your glass. Pick up the glass and examine the wine; look serious. All you care about is that it’s not milky or cloudy or filled with little particles of you don’t quite know what they are but they sure don’t look like they should be there. (If it is cloudy then you’re in trouble; the wine may be bad and you won’t know quite what’s wrong and you wouldn’t know what to do about it anyway. So, ask to see the bottle again and “accidentally” drop it on the floor so that it rolls under the table and all the wine runs out before anyone can get it. This turns a potentially embarrassing moment into an extremely embarrassing moment but saves you from being exposed as a fraud. It also lets you pretend to laugh at your own clumsiness, thereby showing how sweet and unpretentious you are; we in the business therefore call this a “twofer”.)

Now smell the wine. Put your nose close and inhale deeply. Pretend to concentrate. What should it smell like? It should smell like wine.

Next, take a large sip. Don’t swallow it. Hold it on your tongue for a few moments; slosh it around your mouth a bit. Pretend to concentrate some more. Now swallow it. Don’t gulp.

Finally, nod and say ‘That’s fine.” Don’t comment on how the wine tastes; the waiter may know better.