Pen

One article in the last issue of The News — “The Pencil” — provoked overwhelming response. Of course, compared to what we normally get even one response would be overwhelming, and that’s what we got. A loyal member wrote us, mostly to comment warmly (“heatedly” might be more accurate) on our characterization of the subspecies homo ASU, but he also mentioned the pencil article and told us how much he wanted another one like it. At least, that’s what we figure he meant by ‘What’s next, paper clips?"

Well, maybe next issue, but this time it’s fountain pens. The difference is that paper clips are useful and cheap and therefore uninteresting, whereas fountain pens are useless and expensive and therefore lawyers want them.

Besides being expensive, fountain pens’ old-fashionedness has become a selling point. They can be positioned as an exercise in nostalgia, a return to older and presumably more elegant ways. The problem with returning to older ways is that there is usually a reason why they are older. With fountain pens, there are several. The modern ball-point pen is, by historical standards, a miracle: a small, light, durable, dependable, long-lasting, non-leaking pen that draws a consistent, even line. A fountain pen, except for the fact that it can hold its own ink — which is a nineteenth century development — is just a metal version of a quill; before it became a fashion item it had quite reasonably been relegated to the lower, left-hand drawer of History.

But the big selling point is price. Not low price, since they’re being sold to lawyers, but high price. And that is of course the real reason they still exist. Decades ago ball-point pens were rare, expensive, and prestigious; but now that they can be made for a few cents and given away people won’t pay much even for fancier models. Fountain pens, on the other hand, have been given an expensive image, and people will pay hundreds of dollars for a sliver of metal and a few ounces of Bakelite. They are things, like Italian cars, of which the price is the point: they are impractical but, because expensive, prestigious.

But you say you have to have one anyway because your partner got one and now everybody thinks he has a bigger bank account and a longer portfolio? Well, then, at least keep a few things in mind:

1. Pay the Money. Don’t try to be expensive on the cheap. A decent fountain pen will cost you at least $150. A less-than-decent one is, like chalk squeaking on a blackboard, an experience only the perverse pretend to enjoy. About $350 is a reasonable upper limit; more than that and you’re paying for frills like sterling silver plating. You can pay thousands for a fountain pen.

2. Remember the Point. The metal point of the fountain pen is called the “nib.” If the nib is too hard, you might as well try to write with a knife. Harder nibs are cheaper, which is why we have rule #1. You want a nib that is gold — not steel, not gold plated steel, and not anything else. Some brands use 14k gold, others use 18k gold; there is some subtle difference in the way they feel and write but which is better is a matter of personal preference. You normally have a choice of nib width — fine, medium, and broad, and sometimes grades in between. You probably won’t want a fine nib; the line it draws is so narrow that people might not know you’re using a fountain pen. A broad nib will make your signature look good but may make the rest of your writing illegible. Which is why we also have rule #3.

3. Try before you buy. Before you buy a fountain pen you will want to write with several pens of different brands to see which you prefer. This means that you need to shop at a pen store, not a do-it-yourself store and not out of a catalog. You need to evaluate not only size and weight but also the intangible “feel” of the pen. Try to use the type of paper you normally write on; if that’s a yellow pad, take one of your yellow pads into the store (the paper in these varies quite a bit depending on the brand of the pad and on how much you paid for it). Keep in mind that no matter how good the pen, fountain pens do less well on hard, shiny paper (e.g., copier-quality paper, cheap stationery) than on rougher paper (expensive rag bond, less expensive yellow pads). Remember also that the feel of the pen will change a little over time as the nib wears.

4. Watch your Weight. Fountain pens can be fat or thin, heavy or light. Which you get depends on which you like. In theory fat pens could hold more ink than narrow pens but in practice most nowadays use standard-size Ink reservoirs or cartridges; a few very fat pens do have large ink reservoirs but are too big for most people to write with comfortably. Brass pens are heavier but generally cheaper than plastic pens. (With fountain pens, being made of plastic is a status symbol. But one never says “plastic”; one says “resin” or some such.)

5. Think about Ink. Fountain pen ink is essentially a solution of pigment in liquid. This means that it goes on wet and takes time to dry. Nothing can touch it for about twenty seconds — less if you blow on It — or else it will smear. The alternative is to buy blotting paper or a blotter, which are things your grandfather (if you are at least middle-aged) used and then gratefully threw away when he had the good sense to buy a ball-point pen. This also means that the ink is water-soluble. If you write your oral argument notes with it (the following is, alas, a true story) and then spill water on them while trying to pour a glass from the pitcher at counsel table (because you don’t know any better than to do such a silly thing because this is your first appellate argument) then by the time CA 1 walk onto the bench a few moments later your notes will be an illegible mess. The moral, of course, is that you shouldn’t have to refer to notes.

With most pens you can use either pre-filled ink cartridges or an adapter cartridge that will suck ink into its reservoir when you stick the nib into an ink bottle. Some expensive pens cannot use cartridges. Filling from a bottle is a tricky process; you rarely get the reservoir full and you will get ink on your fingers. Bottled ink is cheaper than cartridges and writes better. But you must use ink that has a name brand (Schaeffer, Parker, etc.), the kind that comes in a glass bottle; other inks are okay for stamp pads but will clog your pen instantly.

What color ink to use? People who think about things like that — yes, there are some, just be glad you don’t know any of them — generally say that blue-black ink is best. Black ink is traditional but characterless; copies are hard to distinguish from the original (colored inks make the original distinctive). Blue ink for a woman may convey a slightly more feminine image, if that’s something you want to do.

6. Do Be Careful. Fountain pens are fragile. If you drop one with the cap off, Murphy’s Law requires that it land on its nib; this bends the nib and no amount of fiddling with it will ever get the pen to write as well again.

Remember what fountain pens are: vials of colored water designed to let the water out. Keep the cap on when you are not using it, even if that’s only for twenty seconds. Don’t twiddle the pen. Don’t hold the nib on the page when you’re not writing; if you put it in your pocket, make sure that the nib points up. If you put it in your purse, try to find a spot where it won’t rattle around too much. Don’t take a full fountain pen on an airplane flight; the decrease in atmospheric pressure will cause ink to leak.

7. Keep It Clean. Clean the pen every few months. If it starts clogging, you probably need to clean it. Disassemble the pen and slosh the part that holds the nib in a solution of ammonia and water. Keep soaking and sloshing, and when the liquid gets dirty replace it with clean solution. Eventually, the solution will stay clean. Then let the nib dry overnight.

8. Have Better Sense. If you’re not using pencils now, after all the good things we said about them and all the valuable advice we gave you in the last issue, then there may be no hope for you anyway. But the best approach to fountain pens is to avoid the temptation. You don’t need another expensive gizmo; for the price of one fountain pen you can buy enough pencils to last the rest of your career. When you must use ink, use the ball-point pen that you took from a hotel room along with the writing pad, postcards, shampoo, and the little cloth that “shines” your shoes with silicone.